I’m all right

I played the fool today
And I can see us vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
But home is a feeling I’ve buried in you
I’m all right
It only hurts when I breathe
I can’t ask for things to be still again
I can’t ask for you to offer the world through your eyes
Longing for home again
But home is a feeling I’ve buried in you
I’m all right
It only hurts when I breathe
My window through which nothing hides and everything sings
I’m counting the signs and cursing the miles in between
I’m all right
I’m all right
I’m all right
It only hurts when I breathe

The Calling

I remember once when I was in Bible College we had to write a paper about the call of God on our lives. You know that calling that God puts on our lives that matters most. There was a different answer for each person in that classroom. Many callings sounded the same at first glance, yet each rang with a distinct difference–each person had a passion; a longing; a burden for someone or something. And God had placed that passion; that longing; that burden; in their hearts.

I remember our paper was supposed to be three pages in length, and that mine was only a little less than a page. I couldn’t get very far past my opening general calling:“to know Jesus and make him known.” The reason I didn’t receive an “A” was because my calling was too short. Looking back I kind of laugh at that, how can a person’s calling be too short? Any calling that God gives a person is a great thing. I still remember my specific calling. It has been a while since I have given it thought, but it has always been on the backburner of my mind: to become a CE Pastor of a church and teach people about God. Granted, You don’t have to be a pastor to teach people about God, but I know God wants to use me in that capacity.

I’ve always had thing passion to teach, when I was younger I wanted to become a teacher–I vaguely remember being taught by someone that ignorance is never an excuse. When I became old enough to understand the things of God and the Bible it seemed only natural to want to teach to others what I had learned.

I remember one night after a youth service I was praying about what to do after I graduated high school, and a friend of mine came up behind me and started praying for me silently. After we had finished praying, he looked at me and told me that he saw me teaching people in a church. I really liked the sound of that. I had been struggling with that to do with my life after high school, and my friend, without even knowing about my struggle, had provided a solution. It could have been just a coincidence, but I took it as providence. Since that time God has greatly increased my desire to teach, as well as to learn. I read constantly, wanting to learn as much as I can. I listen to sermons whenever I’m online (God bless whoever invented the internet) in order to gain some insight from a Bible passage I might not have thought of before.

I remember explaining to my youth pastor one day what I felt God had called me to do. I remember telling him something like “Its great we go into other countries and tell people about Jesus, but someone has to be there to disciple them once we leave” He kind of laughed and told me he’d never really heard of anyone being called to be a Christian Education Pastor before. That startled me. Evangelism is great, but if no teaching, no learning, no discipleship happens once the evangelist leaves, then what good is it? It’s like leaving a baby in the world forest with no provisions and telling them to fend for themselves.

I don’t want to do that. I want to teach people, disciple people. My mom describes everything that happens in life as a learning experience. What better learning experience is there than to spend time with and learn about the Creator and Savior of the Universe?

As I am typing this I feel anxious–I wish I was already back in Bible college learning from those who know more and have walked farther in their Christian life. This isn’t the first time I felt this way. In high school I wished I could have just graduated early–not to just be done with school, but to hurry up and get to the schooling that mattered to me–those classes that would teach me the things about the Bible and about God that I didn’t know.

Back to my calling: Looking back on that class, I guess I could have elaborated on what I felt God wanted me to do with my life. If I could do it all again I probably would. What matters to me most–knowing Jesus and making him known. That’s the most important learning experience a person can have. It’s an experience I want to share with as many people as I can.

Another College Update.

OK, so heres my plan:
1.Consolidate all current student loans as much as possible(down to hopefully one or two)

2.Convince my parents(my mom is done, all I need to do now is convince my dad)to let me live with them from March 2004 til whenever I go to college(I'm shooting for AUG2004, but thinking probably JAN2005) for only about 200$ a month(that way I don't have to pay very much compared to now and I can save more)

3. Sell practically everything I own that I won't need/use for college(If you want any of my stuff, make me an offer and we'll seen what happens)

4.Complete the NCU application(I gotta actually get in before I can move to MN!!)

5.Subpoint under 4–get Breena to help me write the letter of explanation dealing with the separation/divorce(NCU needs this letter before I can get in, and I figure if I have Breena write the letter with me, it will have more clout)

6.Complete and send in the FAFSA(So I can get financial aid. I'm planning on using TMS again, which is a program where I can pay for college year by year in 10 monthly installments, but I still need some grant/money I don't have to pay back/loans to help me make it through)

7.Save every single penny I earn, and do odd jobs as much as possible to earn more money

8.Go to college, study hard, work hard, and finally earn my degree