The Life of the Nickness

for the inspiration and the motivation to start his post….

Here, it’s been a few days since my last post. I’m sorry for the lack of real updates–I’ve been way busy and then when I wasn’t I just.. had no motivation to write. Yes, yes, I know–that’s no excuse. Well, be happy now: because here comes the SUPER HUGE TUESDAY POST! (Yes, I have a flare for the dramatics)

Monday
Even though I finally ended up going to bed at around 7am, I woke up at about 9:30 and just couldn’t get back to sleep. So I turned on the TV and watched one of my new favorite TV shows Andromeda. I watched a few episodes back to back, and then I went outside and played with Tiffany, ate lunch, and then did a wee bit of walking on the treadmill in my parents’ room. After that I took a shower and drove to meet Raphael for dinner at the Blue Ridge Grill in Leesburg. It was an awesome time of fellowship and getting to know each other better, as well as sharing what God has been doing in our lives. Once dinner was over, I drove with Raphael to a Bible study that he attends every monday night. It was pretty interesting–they were going through the book of Luke, and were at chapter 19. I actually talked a little! Isn’t that… very much unlike me? Afterwards we all kinda stood around talking, and when Raphael had to leave, another couple offered to drive me back to BRG(thats where I was parked) so that he wouldn’t have to go out of his way. That entrie experience was.. nerveacking. I was left alone in a room full of strangers. And I’m not the talkative type of person. But I think I did pretty ok, and in retrospect I am really happy that it happened–it gave me an opportunity to come out of my shell and interact with Christians like I should be. One sort of funny thing to note–the couple that drove me back to my car was Jeff and Joanne(sorry, their last names escape me at the moment) It’s funny because they happen to be great friends with the Conns–Jeff was the one who introduced Andy and Lauren to each other, and was even the one who started the band that Rhema gets her name from! Jeff was even going to work for Micron at one point in time! Isn’t that like.. completely amazing?!?!? So yeah, everywhere I turn there are reminders of Rhema. LOL–I can never escape, hehehehehe! Seriously though, it was cool to get to know more about them on the car ride back, and Jeff and Joanne invited me to come back to the Bible study again. Raphael invted me to it again as well. I think I just might take them up on thier offer.

Tuesday
So after getting home from the Bible Study, I was actually tired, but ended up falling alseep around 3am. Bah. Have I done anything to upset the gods of sleep?!?! LOL. Well, after waking from my slumber (I actually slept in until about 10am–go me!) I woke up and got dressed only to discover that not only did my sister have the day off, but my mom had the day off as well! And not only that, but they invited me to go to IHOP with them! Yay! SO we all piled into the car and went to IHOP. Hmm, we talked alot about Eric and dad. Then we all went to walmart to look around and buy stuff. I got me a couple new tee-shirts(SIZE 3X, if anyone was curious) and a new pair of sandles. Then I went to caregroup. Ok, thats the end. HAHA, ok, ok, so theres a few more crucial details i left out… such as… I GOT A HAIRCUT!! Well, actually I got them all cut. Cut short…and highlighted bright red. Yup. I finally did it. I cut my hair and got it dyed. Click HERE to see images of my new haircut.
The cutting of my hair took about 2 hours, and by the time I got back home it was time for me to take a shower and head off to caregroup. It was much fun–for some reason I was way more relaxed than I normally am. I didn’t really contribute to the conversation all that much, but I was able to open up and joke around with everyone more than usual. We talked alot about the upcoming church retreat. it’s going to be way awesome and I am really looking forward to it. Afte that we continued our disscusison on the book that we’re going through–the sixth chapter of Josua Harris’ book Stop Dating the Church. It’s really a very awesome book on how we as Christians are supposed to interact with and commit ourselves to the local church. I highly suggest picking up a copy (which you can do so at the link I provided) and giving it a read. The Conns weren’t at caregroup tonight(it was Daniel’s birthday and they decided to stay home and celebrate it) but Rhema did end up coming in a wee bit late(she brought snacks for everyone, so we forgave her tardiness) So it was cool that I got to talk to her for a few moments after caregroup was over. She liked my hair–so that made me really happy. After that I pretty much went home and listened to some music before falling asleep at 3am. Grr! What is going on with my body?!? Everyone please pray for me–I’m so scared that if this continues for much longer it’s going to have serious side effects on my health!!

So thats about it for now. I’ll post an update later this evening.

Cheers,
~Nick

I'm about to go to IHOP with my mom and sister. I'll update you all on how my day went yesterday when I return. Hope you all are having an AWESOME day,
-Nick

LOL. Yeah, just a little 're-writing' of the matchbox 20 song, incase you weren't aware. As you can tell it's about 5am and I am still wide awake. It's been such an interesting day. I know I already posted after church, but that was mainly me sharing my sin issues with the Conn parents. Everyone please keep me in prayer, ok? I know God can work in me through this.

Speaking of which–oh wow let me tell you more about the sermon that C.J. Mahaney preached on. He spoke from Philippians 2:12-13 and it was all about growing in Godliness and how we have a part and God has a part, but how our part isn't even possible without God. It was totally amazing. Like I said, I'm going to get the message(it's free, but I would have paid for it) and I'm gonna make everyone I know listen to it! (hahaha) Seriously though. Awesome message. I can't wait for the retreat this coming weekend! I know God is gonna move in awesome, awesome ways.

I have dinner again with Raphael again tonight. We're going to meet at the Blue Ridge in Leesburg at 5:30. After that I'm going to follow him back to his house and then I'm going to join him at this Bible study hes going to. He told me they're going through Luke. Should be pretty cool–it's been a while since I read Luke so I'm looking forward to it.

Lets see. What else can I write about to keep you all entertained? Oh…Eric left to go back to DC today. Melissa drive him to the metro station. But not before I promised I would drive her to the metro station this Friday so she could go see him. I think that made her happy. I was the only one who could drive her, and if I didn't she'd have to leave her car there over the weekend. So yeah.. I did something nice for my sister. I'm so proud of myself! It always makes me feel good when I do things for other people.

You know what's cool? All Poetry is giving all it's members a free 'gold membership' til Tuesday. That means I can post pictures with my poems, how cool is that? Awe, but it's sad that I haven't felt inspired to write any more poems lately. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. Just sit down and write, and see what I come up with.

Well, I guess I should get going. I haven't taken a walk yet, and I think I just heard my dad leave for work… so I think I'm going to go for a walk and maybe when I get back I'll be tired enough to sleep.

I'll post more later.
-Nick

I just got back from GCC. It was really cool—CJ preached and the message was very awesome. The CDs are being made available for free so I think I’ll grab one the next chance I get.

Grrr. I left right after the service ended. I know Rhema had to be pissed. Heck, I’m pissed. I really wanted to talk to her! We didn’t get to talk during the mini-break cause I guess since her mom didn’t show up to church, she had to help her dad with Sunday School and that meant she had to be at the Sunday School area as soon as the break started. I didn’t even know she was at church today until after service ended and instead of leaving right away I went to the bathroom and then went into the break area and got myself a drink. So I went to go get a drink and I saw her in the Sunday school area. I wanted to talk to her so bad! And I did–for all of like, 1 minute. Because guess what? Her dad was right there. I hate this. I don’t think she really understands how I feel about him and her mom. I have always felt very uncomfortable around her parents (especially her dad) but now with our current situation, I just can’t stand being anywhere near them without getting sick to my stomach.

So there Rhema was, looking oh-so-hott, and I was so happy to see her, and then I saw her dad was like, right next to her, and I got sick to my stomach and just had to get out of there. I know he said we’re allowed to talk on Sundays, but whenever he’s around I always feel like he’s watching us and we’re sinning in some way. I am so self conscience about everything whenever he is around me. I feel like I can’t really even talk to her!! The same thing happened 2 weeks ago when we were all at caregroup together, and I know the same thing is bound to happen this Tuesday when we’re all at caregroup again. Grrr I hate that I’m weird like this. I even had a present to give Rhema but didn’t. Whenever I see her parents all I can think about is just getting away from them as fast as humanly possible. I feel like no matter what I’m doing they’re judging me and watching me; I know thats probably not true but it’s how I feel.

So Rhema–if you’re reading this: I’m sorry. I wanted to talk to you. I still want to talk to you. You looked amazing and I had so much I wanted to say. But we both know I have issues, and a major one is how I relate to/how I feel about your parents. And I have no idea when/how I’m going to get over it. I’m sorry I’m like this.

I hope she can forgive me.
Well, I’m off to go eat brunch with my family and try not to think about how stupid I am.
~Nick

I thought I'd start this entry out with a fairly funny(at least funny to me) and sarcastic image I found on the web

I am so bored. AND very tired. AND sad! I just found out that Eric and Melissa are not going to GCC with me tomorrow, and I can't get a hold of Connie to see if shes going to come either. I guess I just go all by myself, eh steve?

Theres really not much to say though. Work was cool, and I don't have to go back until the 14th of July. Now if only I could find something to do during my days off….

I wish I could fall asleep. I really do. But every time I try, I feel like something is missing. I'll be so tired but the minute I make up my mind to go to bed, I'm wide awake. Mom says I spend way too much time staring at my computer screen. I tell her I do it cause I can't sleep.

At least tomorrow is Sunday, and I get to go to church, worship, learn about God, and oh yeah.. see/talk to Rhema! I am very happy and excited about it.

I'm not sure what else to say for now. Anyone have any requests.. anything they'd like to see my talk about? Post me a comment and let me know.

I got maybe 1-2 hours of sleep last night. That means for this week so far, I've gotten a grand total of 8-10 hours of sleep. Plus this week I worked 56 hours. I am completely exhausted. And now I'm on break, and I made the mistake of coming home and eating breakfast. Now I'll feel even more tired.
Bah. Maybe I should go see a doctor.

On a cooler note Melissa invited me to go see Star Wars with her and Eric tonight. It's going to be way cool, but I'm not sure if I'm going to go. Theres still things I have to do tonight, and I really want to try to get some sleep.

Well, so far, as my subject says.. tonight has been a fairly good night. Not too much has happened, but I was able to spend some time with my mom and chill with Eric for a little while.

As most of you know, Friday is Stargate night. And tonight’s episodes were repeats, but they had to do with time travel so I convinced my mom to watch them with me(she loves time travel stuff)
Lucky for me, Melissa and Eric came home (Eric is spending the weekend at our house because it easier than going back and forth from DC everyday) and so while Melissa relaxed outside, mom, Eric, and I watched some Stargate. During the commercials I got to talk with him a little and find out more about him, which was pretty cool. I also found out from my mom that he is a Christian, so what did I do? I invited him to GCC with me this Sunday. I’m not sure if he’ll accept (Melissa doesn’t want to go and I think that might sway his decision) But I’m hopeful. Plus he told me he hadn’t been to church in a while(you know how the army is) So I really hope(and pray) that he’ll say yes. Plus I think it would be cool bonding time for us.
Well, now it’s 10pm. And GUESS WHAT? I am so not tired yet. SO I’ll probably carry out the same plan I had last night–except oh yeah! Tomorrow is my last day of work for 2 whole weeks, and then Sunday I get to go to church! Yay!
What else can I tell you? I guess I can continue by asking a series of random questions that I know no one will respond to, but at least it will allow me to ‘post’ my thoughts out loud.

Sometimes I wonder if I make too big a deal about stuff. You know, like concerning Rhema and I. More specifically about our current situation. Sometimes I feel like everyone who knows me knows how I feel about it and how broken up inside I am. But is that the right course of action to take? As far as I know, Rhema is practically the opposite. I think she goes by the viewpoint of “Even if I showed how I felt it wouldn’t change anything” mindset. Is that how I should be as well? I mean, sometimes I think it’s good that I kinda ‘let me emotions’ hang out, that way people can see the real me and see how much I care about her, but then at the same time I feel that it makes me look immature and stupid. So I don’t know what to do. I think for now I’m just going to try to avoid the topic with people, and hope that no one starts/continues to ask about it.

Rhema is happy. I can tell by her posts in her livejournal that’s shes happy. Shes serving her parents and trusting God and shes really happy. I wonder.. did I ever make her that happy? I want her to lead a good, happy life. And as much as I want to be with her, and as much as I want us to be together–I want what’s best for her. Sometimes I get scared and think that I’m not it. Ever since her and I stopped talking shes gotten closer with her parents and been a generally more happy person. Was I holding her back? God, I hope I wasn’t. I pray that I wasn’t. I guess theres really no way to tell until her parents let her and I start talking again. LOL, I love her so much. I really believe it’s God’s will for us to be together, but then I look at how things have been these past couple days and I start thinking that shes better off without me. Grrr. evil thoughts, I tell ya! yes, I know I’m rambling. I just need to trust God that HE is working all of this out for HIS glory. And I know He is. It just isn’t on my timetable. But I still miss her. And I really think that no matter what happens, I know I’m never going to be able to lay down the hope of someday being with her. The only way that would happen is if she actually married someone else.

Heres another random question: does anyone actually read this? I know I got this journal like, 3 years ago, and even though sometimes I go for weeks(and sometimes months) without writing in it, I know a lot of people used to read this. I wonder if I lost my audience? Not that it matters–this journal is mainly for me anyway. Just a way for me to type out everything I am thinking/feeling so that I don’t bottle it up and go insane. ‘Cause, just incase you didn’t know it–girls(and society in general) do not dig the mentally insane. It’s just not a quality they go for. Yup, there you have it folks. My advice for the day on how to pick up chicks and be accepted by everyone. Rule number 1: Don’ be insane. Hey, that was pretty good! I should write a book!

You know what else I think about? I think about God a lot. I wonder sometimes, how my life would be different if I wasn’t a Christian. Not in a bad way, mind you–more of a “Thank God I’m a saved sinner!” sort of way. I know I could be closer to Him(but don’t we all think that?) But I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I used to get so upset when I thought about how I hadn’t gone back to college and finished my degree (especially when I see/hear about kids I used to know doing all this cool stuff for God) but then I realize that it was GOD who brought me to this point. And that’s pretty durn cool if you ask me. I was listening to this song today (I downloaded it to my IPOD, and actually I’ve been listening to it a lot) and some of the lyrics really spoke to me. Hehehehe that’s right, you guessed it–I’m about to quote them. But be happy, since I’m going to post the whole song, I’ll LJ-cut it and if you want to, feel free to click and read it. Anything in BOLD is what really speaks to me.

Chorus:
‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do
Father forgive them for they know not what they do’
For disregarding what is true, lovin’ sin instead of you
‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do’

Heaven presents another smash hit for Jesus
He keeps you rockin’ when we’re droppin’ phat masterpieces
We’re on the side of the God who’s been rejected
the One who took flesh, died, but who’s resurrected
Jesus, the full Godhead manifested
Grace and peace to all those chose and elected
Check it, but on the real things aren’t chill as they seem why?
Cash seems to make mad people blaspheme
That’s what the ill deed that man’s greed leads to
It’s got you bitin’ that hand that feeds you
He’s grieved to the heart, bone, and the marrow
All because God gets more respect from the sparrow
Jesus died for men, but who wants to live with Him?
Can’t stand Him they want the mammon, the Benjamins
And if it’s men then it’s within
the natural in the live of life of unrestricted sin
Huh, sounds fun but like a hand and a gun
sin and death go together like Sanford and Son
So this plan is done. It’s not hard to hear squads
talk hard and live like they don’t fear God
Plus we’re in the era of the Human Superstar,
but no matter who they are they fall tryin’ to pull a coupe de tat
Answer me, how can this be sensible?
Man tryin’ to overthrow God the invincible?
Learn this principle that I’m droppin’
God’s omnipotent, omnipresent, He’s omniscient and sovereign
That’s the first lesson now in this session from my crew
We need forgiveness, we know not what we do

Chorus:
(2X) ‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do’

For puffin’ blunts, and pullin’ stunts, and drinkin’ brew
For the criminal acts done by criminal crews

(2X) ‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do’
For disregarding what is true, lovin’ sin instead of you
‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do’

I’m more than fascinated by the facets of creation and nature
I’m infatuated by the facts and attributes of my Creator
I wager this world don’t even know His name
and those who do they treat it like growin’ pains
and go insane when it’s mentioned feel the tension
between God and man, I ride the land and see there’s ‘nuff work to be done
between the earth and the One who made it
Everything belongs to Him (uh huh)
so we give props through songs and hymns just like David
But once again the sons of men have formed a pact
another culture without God is on the map
Lord, I apologize for all the guys
who go one way when you clearly say otherwise
‘Father forgive them’ for they don’t know your plan
Who can stop your motion or even slow your hand?
No one can!
But still this world they want to have a face off
with the soon coming King who’s runnin’ things like a racehorse
They pace off ten steps, turn and shoot
Haven’t even learned the route and to boot
swearin’ they can make it straight to God
but wait the odds are stacked up against the man
whose back is against the God whose hand rules the land
But ahh (ahh), what a relief to have my plan reversed
No longer am I down with planet Earth, where man is first
the actual fact was I was born with the natural knack cuz
to put God in the back and that’s backwards
Truthfully, I now belong exclusively
to the club where God is no longer where He used to be
Stop the mutiny, save the eulogy
Christ ain’t dead my naka
He’s livin’, I often pray

Chorus:
(2X) ‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do’
For disregarding what is true, lovin’ sin instead of you
‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do’

You wanna please the judge, please Jesus ‘cause He’s it
that’s most definite I represent like I believe it
Jesus be the Savior of every man true dat
Our sinned, killed Him once, kill Him again, will never do that
With a crew that sticks to facts from God’s Word like glue traps
peep the fly tunes that bring the Triune crew back
If you lack Christ you lack the realistic picture
Your view’s tainted
Then let’s repaint it with the scripture
So mentally you’ll vibe with the first century
Begin to see Christ who gave His life to save men for free
You’ll see the chains of sin (and the key)
the pains of sin (and the fee)
the names of you (and of me)
and the whole Adam family taking turns bangin’ in
nails and thorns you’ll see our sin that was hangin’ him
You’ll see Him raised and see the state of modern history
you’ll see the hate for God and wonder how this could be
but this to me is no mystery ‘cause it’s true
we need forgiveness, we know not what we do

Chorus:
(4X) ‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do’

Cheatin’ on taxes, for corporate crimes and malpractice
Thievin’ for excess, for even worshippin’ the Lexus
For the life of sin and bein’ proud of it, for shifty politics
for teachin’ ten year olds to pack gats wit’ the hollow tips
For the braggin,’ the Godless rappin,’ the kidnappin,’
shootin’ and stabbin,’ for ridin’ Satan’s bandwagon

Chorus:
(4X) ‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do’

For trashin’ up Your planet, breakin’ every commandment
Takin’ Your grace for granted, livin’ life unlike You planned it

Ahhh, how can this be? On Your earth yet we have no worth ‘cause we’re separated.
Look at us making moves, runaway trains on our own tracks.
Only you can bring us back. Thank You Lord for Jesus Christ.
You came after us, but not like some wicked slavemaster coming to get a runaway slave. More like a loving Father coming to get His runaway children. Forgive us Lord

Ok. So I’m off to read more of Micah. Keep me in your prayers.
~Nick
1 Timothy 1:15

Theres really nothing to say. I'm bored. I just read the latest Naruto–I can't wait for the anime to reach the point that the manga is at.
I'm bored.

grrrrrr

And now I'm going to go.

Hopefully I'll be more inspired later tonight.

-Nick

ps: I feel so…. far away from everyone.

Well, nothing quite out of the ordinary has happened today. I had set my alarm clock to wake me up at 5:30am so I could take a shower before work–but it turns out that I was still up at 5:30am. So at least now I'm nice and clean. I DID end up going for my walk last night–however I decided to cut it short cause this cop car started driving by me a couple of times and I really didn't want to have to deal with him pulling over and asking me a bunch of stupid questions. Total amount of sleep I got last night: 1 hour and 15 minutes! Oh yeah! I have no idea how I'm going to survive, LOL. I figure, if I'm lucky enough after church on Sunday I'll just come back home and lay down and pray to God that I fall asleep.

I talked to my mom about the melotonin pills—shes claims I have to take one every day for six weeks before I start noticing any effect. Darn. I'm still going to try it though–I hope it doesn't take 6 weeks to kick in.

Lets se… work is work. I'm back to running 10 tools all at once now(over time help didn't show) but like I said last post, it's become a piece of cake. So much so I'm actually going up to Megan asking her if there is anything she needs me to do/help out on. LOL, she keeps looking at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I am. Muwhahahahahaha!

At least today is payday. That means I'm one paycheck closer to my dreams of becoming debt free and owning my own home. Yay me.

Church is in 2 days. I'm looking forward to it (for obvious reasons)

I'll write more when I come back for my lunch.

Til next time,
-Nick

Ok, so I just HAD to stop my reading/studying to make a final LJ entry for the night. And boy do I have so much to say! I will, however.. leave the best for last. So if you're pressed for time.. just scroll to the bottom of this entry. (haha for you! I'm not using Lj-cuts in this one!) But.. in order to make it a wee bit easier for me to organize my thoughts and actually type everything I want to say.. I will use numbers…

#1–Work ended on a bad/good note. I'll start with the bad. So it was almost time to leave, and I'm standing by one of my tools in a relaxed pose, looking over some notes to give to the next shift, when another coworker of mine comes and sits down in front of me. Shes an Asian lady who is sweet but kinda annoying sometimes.. and out of the blue she pats my stomach and says “oh, so when are you due?” Can you believe that?!?! I am totally flabbergasted, but try to make nice and she just continues..I wasn't that big when I had my first child.. you must be having twins!…Do you have the morning sickness?…haha haha. Man, what a let down. I mean, I know I look big, but wow–pregnant? That saddens me. But at least right after that Jennifer came over and started talking to me. She needed some info on how to request days off, and in talking to her I discovered shes taking 3 days off to go see Benny Hihn in New Jersey, and then taking another week off to go see TD Jakes in Georgia. I thought that was pretty cool, and we started talking about churches and whatnot and I found out that the guy shes married to (she got married like, 2 months ago) is a Pastor! How cool is that? So we talked for a little bit about how we don't like to work Sundays. LOL. It was cool. Definitely a better conversation than me talking to Ms. “I-think-you're-pregnant”.

#2–I started working a little with photoshop today. Mainly because I wanted to expand my skills on it, and secondly because I wanted to try to create a background image for Livejournal. I finished it(well, finished it for now) and put it up but it didn't look that great(needs a lot of work) and also due to recent circumstances I thought the nature of the image might get some people upset. It's a simple collage, and I think it looks ok for now, but I still need to work on blending the layers and making it just a wee bit bigger. However… if you'd like to take a look at my first draft of this new ongoing project, click HERE.

#3–Ok, so now for the main reason I wanted to post tonight. As you already know, I decided to go through the book of Micah first in my re-reading/studying of the Bible, and I thought it would be cool if I just read the book start to finish before going through it more thoroughly. WOW is all I can say. I thought Micah was a book about destruction and evil prophesy about the Lord coming down and killing everything, but in the middle of chapter 7 theres this awesome paragraph of hope and promise and good stuff, and when I was reading it I started crying(please, no jokes, ok? It's manly to cry) cause It really touched me and I know it was totally from God that I start at this book. So.. without further adieu.. I would like to quote what I read.

It's from Micah 7:7-11:

But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness. Then my enemy will see it and will be covered with shame, she who said to me, “Where is the LORD your God?” My eyes will see her downfall; even now she will be trampled underfoot like mire in the streets. The day for building your walls will come, the day for extending your boundaries.

So there you have it. It might not mean anything to you, but it totally moved me. God is so awesome.
I'm gonna go read some more. I hope you all have an awesome night!

As Always,
~Nick

It seems that ever since I stopped talking with Rhema, I have ALOT of time on my hands. And what better way to use that time than to continually update my oh-so-wonderful (and no longer free) Livejournal? That's right, I can't think of a better use of my time either.

So I'm on my lunch break right now. And guess what? Megan (my new supervisor) approved my extra time off! Yay for her! Shes so cool–except she does this thing where if something cool/good happens she wants to high five you…it's kinda.. unsettling. I haven't high fived anyone since.. well… before I left for Thailand, LOL!

But I'm glad I got the time off approved. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, but at least this means I have from June 26th til July 14th off. I had wanted to go to Kings Dominion for KingsFest, but in light of recent events I'm sure that'll be a bust. (seeing as how I don't wanna feel like a loser and go by myself, and the one person who would go with me, can't go anywhere with me anymore) But I'm sure I'll do something cool. I just gotta come up with ideas.

Speaking of ideas…I was at work a little while ago, thinking about my grand plan for my nights, and I couldn't decide what I wanted to read in the Bible! I've decided I'm going to re-read the entire thing again, but I wasn't sure where to start. Then it hit me(like a big yellow school bus) I'll start at the book of Micah! So that's what I'm going to do. I'll start at Micah(well, in truth I started before even writing this update) but I think it might take me a while to go through it(and all the other 65 books) because this time around I want to go through a couple commentaries I have and kinda like…'saturate' myself with the text. That makes sense, right?

Anyways, on another (completely different) note–the new Naruto finally downloaded to my computer! Yay! That means tonight when I get home it'll be waiting for me. Ahhhhh, the simple pleasures in life. Does it get any better than this? (Hehehe, I know it does, but I'm trying REALLY hard not to think about it!)

Hasta Luego (that's Spanish right there folks!)
~Nick

Well, I'm on my break. Things at work are going.. interesting. I just drank like, 4 sodas to try to keep me awake(I only got about 1 hour of sleep last night) and even though we're missing a bunch of people I'm still really bored. They have me running 10 tools again today–which I used to think was cool cause it kept me busy–however now I've got it worked down to a science and I'm still bored. GRRR. Being bored does not help when you're trying to stay awake at your job!!

At least theres plenty to keep my mind occupied–a couple of people left Micron this past week and the rumor going around is that they left to go work for another production company in Manassas that pays 20$ an hour right off the bat. I think there may be a wee bit of exaggeration going on, but I'm going to do more digging and find out what the truth is–I would really like a job that pays more than just 14$ an hour.

I think I've finally come up with a cool plan to help me lose weight. Since I can't sleep at night anymore(well, I can, but not until like, 4 or 5am) I think come midnight or so I'm going to go for a walk…a really really LONG walk all around my neighborhood and stuff. My IPOD is fully charged,so I know I'll be able to listen to music and stuff while I walk. I figure, walking for 3-4 hours every night should help me lose weight, right?

So that's my plan. 8-midnight read my Bible, do devotions, read/study cool bible books, 12-3:30am go for a walk, and then 3:30-6am try to get some sleep.
I almost forgot to mention–I decided to try to take 7 days off work(2 weeks) instead of just the 4 days I took off for the GCC retreat/my summer vacation. I really hope it gets approved!!

I gotta go back to work now.
I hope everyone's day is going well Bored out of my mind,
-Nick

So I’ve decided to do whats best for Rhema and just not contact her anymore. I want to (Oh God how I want to) but I don’t want her getting in any more trouble with her parents, and since she still has to live with them (at least for now) I’m going to try really hard not to be the cause of any more fights. Besides, I want her parents to trust her, and they never will as long as I keep trying to contact her.
I can only cling to the fact that one day this will all blow over and her and I will be together. And if it doesn’t….then I’ll just be by myself for the rest of my life. Until then… it looks like I’m just going to… um.. nevermind. I cant even finish my sentence.

I wish I could go to bed. I’m tired, but I know I won’t sleep.
Everyone please pray for me. My life has officially fallen apart.

-Nick

There’s going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE
STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands on the scene where
Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created
with the release of Episode 1 & 2…

The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition

INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER
towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke’s hand!
It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks
around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No… I am your father!

Luke: No, it’s not true! It’s impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true… and you know what else? You know that brass
droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…

Luke: No…

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no
hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a
Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me… my father never gave me what I
wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the
Sith…waahhh wahhh!”

Luke: Shut up…

Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had
exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon.

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the
Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here, baby!

Well, after the last email that I wrote to Bob, I decided it would be best to write an email to Rhema’s father. However, I sent a copy of the email to Pastor Bob, just like I sent a copy of the other email to Rhema’s dad.
It’s long.. so….

Mr. Conn,

Thank you for your message, I apologize for not answering the phone last night when you called, I was sleeping and did not hear it.

There are still a few things I feel I need to let you know. I originally emailed Bob about this about a month ago, but nothing really became of that e-mail. However, it is apparent to me now that I should have been emailing you from the ‘get-go’, so this is my attempt to ‘clear the air’. I feel there are still things that need to be said. Please keep in mind that I do not mean any disrespect in this e-mail, so please keep that in mind as you are reading. Some of this may seem like a repeat of things I said in the last e-mail to you and Bob, but a lot of this I feel may be new to you.

I really and truly feel like it is the right time for Rhema and I to pursue a courtship. I had felt that way for a while, but did not act on it because I wanted to give it more time and pray about it more. When I felt God was saying yes, I sought the counsel of my family and close friends. Even when they said yes, I still waited, not sure of how you and your wife would react–I know that every time Rhema had broached the subject to you, both you and your wife had been completely close-minded about the situation, telling her that there was no way you would agree to a courtship. Finally one day, I find out that Rhema talked to you about the situation and you actually told her that you were no longer closed to the idea, and that you were open to the possibility that it was the right time for us to have an ‘official’ courtship. When I heard this, I was very excited and of course called you up, wanting to meet with you. We met, and we talked at length about the subject. A week later, I called you up again and you gave me a sort of ‘homework’ assignment–asking me a few questions that I told you I would pray about, write down the answers, and get back to you on. The following Sunday, I talked with Bob and he told me that it would be better NOT to meet with him–he had some questions he would e-mail me, and it would probably take me some time to answer them.

However, I never got the chance to answer Bob’s (or rightly your) questions, I didn’t even receive them before you called me on Monday and told me your decision. This is the part that hurts and offends me the most. When you called, you asked me about the answers to your questions, and even when in told you I was still working on them, you put me on the spot and asked for answers anyway. Of the answers I gave you, I felt you belittled my answers to make them seem worthless, and in the end gave me your decision that Rhema and I would have to take a break. I was heart broken. I even asked you if when Rhema was ready to court, if you would let me know so that we could re-visit the situation, and you flat out told me no. Now that I really do not understand at all! If your only issue with us courting was the timing, why deny my request to let me know when you felt it was an appropriate time for Rhema to begin a courtship? Just that fact alone made me question your decision, and cause me to wonder whether or not you had pure motives in your final answer.

Then I find out that you hadn’t even made your decision Monday when you called me, you made your decision Sunday afternoon, after talking with Bob. I felt very angry and upset at you AND Bob. Why go through the façade of asking me all these questions, but then both of you not even waiting for my answers before coming to a final decision? I knew in my heart when you were asking me for those answers on Monday that nothing I said could have convinced you otherwise–so why, when you called me, did you go through the charade of asking me for the answers to your questions when you had already made up your mind? This is another major part of the reason that I have doubts about your decision. When we talked at Starbucks, you had made references to all of us meeting with Bob to discuss this, and that it probably would occur after Rhema got back from her trip to Colorado (meaning, middle/end of July). Yet you made your decision in a week and a half! I was (still am) totally blown away. Even if your decision is correct (which I still do not believe is true): for me the way you went about presenting your decision completely showed the opposite.

I had held out hope that you might have been persuaded to change your decision, but I realize now, in light of everything that has been said about this subject (and especially in light of last Sunday’s events) that you will not. And I don’t really understand it. You said yourself that the relationship between Rhema and myself was pure, Godly, and mature. And in our minds/hearts, we were already courting. So what would have changed between us if you had said yes? Nothing except for the fact that now we could actually call each other boyfriend/girlfriend and not just ‘friends’. I don’t think you even gave Rhema and I a chance. I feel like you and your wife ignored the situation that was developing between Rhema and myself, and only dealt with it when you had to (I.e., I came to you and asked if I could court her) It’s only now that people feel that our relationship was bad and that it needed to be stopped. If you and your wife had so many issues with how Rhema and I were relating, why did you not pull me aside like you did last Sunday and let me know about them? The only time we ever really talked about the relationship between your daughter and myself was when Rhema and I were still developing our friendship, and you and I talked about waiting for a courtship in the car on the way to IHOP. That was 9-10 months ago. When you told me your decision that Monday on the phone, you also asked for forgiveness because you said you felt like you and Lauren had led us into thinking that you’d be ok with us starting a courtship now. And I forgave you. But I want to point out that I don’t think you just led us on into thinking that you’d be ok with us being in an official courtship. It’s because of you that we’re at the point that we’re at. You helped us get to where we are now. By not voicing your concerns on our relationship until now, you gave your silent approval that everything was ok. (Granted, I know you and your wife had to remind us a few times that you didn’t like that we were talking on the phone past midnight. And in all honesty, when we did that we weren’t trying to rebel against you. Rhema and I enjoy talking to each other, and many times the time simply got away from us.) And now, I feel that you’ve realized your mistake and I feel that your solution is just the same as it was before—you want to ignore the situation, so you ban Rhema and I from even communicating in hopes that it’ll just all go away and that her and I will just forget about each other. I feel that the only reason you’re letting us talk on Sunday and at church activities is because that’s the only place where you feel you can watch our every move/action(even though last Sunday was the only time we ever gave you a reason to not trust us). Mr. Conn, let me be honest with you—I am completely in love with your daughter. And while you and the pastoral leadership of GCC may feel that’s inappropriate and wrong, that’s how it is, and I don’t see myself suddenly waking up one day and not being in love with her. And like I said in the past e-mail, I will always want to court her and see where God’s will for this relationship lies.

I really want to appeal to you now Mr. Conn, even though I know you won’t change your decision about us courting, I would plead with you to please consider changing your mind about the no communication thing. I know you don’t like us talking on the phone, and chances are you’d never let us talk over instant message (its too much like the phone) But maybe you would consider letting us e-mail back and forth, or, if that was too much, I’d even settle for letter writing. I really care for your daughter and I know that neither she nor I are happy with the current situation. Not that you have to change your decision based around on our levels of happiness, but I would hope that you would at least prayerfully consider changing this one aspect of your decision.

I also wanted to let you know that my decision to leave GCC is no longer based in any anger that I had in the past. I will be the first to admit that the decision I came to earlier in the week was wrong because behind it was anger, resentment, and bitterness. But now my reasons have changed. I really do not want to sacrifice my growth in God because of your daughter. I love your daughter, but I love God a lot more; and I really am focused on Him, His will for my life, and my growth in Him. In my opinion, the current situation leaves too much room for temptation to sneak in and change our motivations for going to GCC. I do not want that to happen, and I believe the easiest way to avoid this temptation is to make sure I’m not in the situation. I feel that I could grow more at this time in my life by attending another church. I realize, of course, that this means I will never again be allowed to see Rhema, and while I’m not really ok with that, I’m trusting in God that eventually your heart towards this situation will change and you will allow us to communicate with and see each other sometime in the future.

Once again, I would like to apologize for my actions last Sunday. I was not trying to usurp your authority in Rhema’s life, I know that it is important for you to trust your daughter and have a good relationship with her. I never really wanted to rebel in the first place—I know that rebellion is wrong; I just let my emotions get the best of me. And while I’m not trying to excuse what I did, I would just like to once again point out that this is very difficult on us, and probably always will be.

In Christ,

-Nick

Lucky for me, Bob responded to this email as well, so here is his reply. it’s not too long, but we all know how I love LJ-cuts, so…..

Nick,

Thank you for your humility and for expressing your perspective. I am grateful that you are dialoging about this and believe you have some valid points for Andy to consider. I think this exchange, especially before our meeting on Tuesday is helpful and I trust will result in a better understanding.

If I didn’t make it clear in the e-mail I sent to you, we have in no way accepted your termination of membership, and don’t think it is in your best interest for you to move on to another church in the condition that things are in. Please try to refrain from any decisions in that regard as there’s a lot more resolution that needs to take place before an objective, wise decision can be reached. I also must appeal to you to consider that at times you are sinfully judging Andy in this situation. You don’t know that he was putting on a facade, or that decisions were already made and that he won’t change his mind.

Now I do agree (and I think Andy would) with your statement By not voicing your concerns on our relationship until now, you gave your silent approval that everything was ok. That certainly had a defrauding effect on you for which Andy needs to take responsibility, and for which I am sorry. I know that was and is sorely tempting to you, but Nick, Christian charity demands that you give the benefit of the doubt that Andy was not intending to hurt you or his daughter. He is trying to lead his family in ways that he has neglected in the past, and you seem to be only focused on his mistakes (albeit possibly significant) in attempting to do what he feels is the right thing (which again, admittedly may be too extreme).

But what seems to be missing most from your communication is an understanding that his decision is not based primarily on you and your qualifications or readiness for marriage, but on Rhema. Andy is trying to make the decisions that are best for Rhema and he knows his daughter better than you do. I say that not because she necessarily communicates more with him, but because as her head he is graced by God to protect and lead her. Nick, you don’t appear to be thinking about Andy’s evaluation of Rhema and her readiness. Have you asked Andy questions about what he thinks could be distracting Rhema in your relationship? Have you asked him if there are any ways Rhema looks to you that are inappropriate? Have you asked Andy if he believes Rhema has emotionally given her heart to you? Have you asked Andy what area of Rhema’s relationship with her parents is deficient and needs attention?

Nick, your feelings and perspective are not the only factors in all of this. By nature, you are deceived from seeing all your motives. Please know when I say that, that I believe many of your intentions are very noble and godly. But there are also some attachments you have to Rhema that appear unhealthy. You say that this is not about marriage but friendship, but then you say you are completely in love with your [Andy’s] daughter. Those feelings are not appropriate for a friendship, nor are the fact that she discloses more to you than her parents and the fact that you hold her accountable (those are Andy’s responsibilities and privilege, and it is his fault for allowing you such authority in Rhema’s life). I believe your heart is well meaning in those things, but that doesn’t mean those things aren’t questionable and shouldn’t be challenged.

Nick, I actually believe Andy would strongly consider you as a potential husband for his daughter, but when he wants you to stop communication because it is further along then he realized, because he wants to try to win his daughter’s heart and for other reasons you may not know and you react in sinful anger and serious defiance, you more than anyone should question your readiness and what is really ruling your heart. Your wanting to leave the church, your willingness to defy his authority, your rejection of attempts by me to care for you reveal an obsession with this relationship that has a far greater hold on you than you realize. Please pray about that Nick and open your heart to that possibility so that you can be appropriately adjusted in this situation and can grow in grace and be better positioned to be a husband for the glory of God. There is hope for redemption even in the seriousness of this situation.

I respect you and I am for you Nick.
A Fellow Sinner Saved by Grace,

Bob

So yeah. Now I’m home from work and Jonathan and Jessica made meatballs for dinner. Yummy!

And ofcourse after much thought and prayer I decided to email good ol’ Pastor Bob back.

Bob,

You bring up some valid points. You stated that…

But what seems to be missing most from your communication is an understanding that his decision is not based primarily on you and your qualifications or readiness for marriage, but on Rhema. Andy is trying to make the decisions that are best for Rhema and he knows his daughter better than you do. I say that not because she necessarily communicates more with him, but because as her head he is graced by God to protect and lead her. Nick, you don’t appear to be thinking about Andy’s evaluation of Rhema and her readiness. Have you asked Andy questions about what he thinks could be distracting Rhema in your relationship? Have you asked him if there are any ways Rhema looks to you that are inappropriate? Have you asked Andy if he believes Rhema has emotionally given her heart to you? Have you asked Andy what area of Rhema’s relationship with her parents is deficient and needs attention?

Honestly, I haven’t asked Andy those questions. I didn’t know I needed to, and in all honesty those questions never popped up in my head. The reason why I am so focused on “qualifications and readiness” is because that is the reason that Andy gave me for his answer. I don’t want to say that I would have been so much more willing to accept his decision given answers to questions like those (it’s in the past and I’m still unsure of how I would have reacted) But I still wish that I had thought of those questions to ask him, in order to gain a better insight to this whole situation. (I guess my fault for not thinking of them, huh?) One of my points in the last email was I felt he presented his decision wrong, which turned me off to the entire decision… I am happy that someone is pointing out reasons other than those—in my mind ot makes it just a little more ‘sane’ (No disrespect, mind you) But hey, that’s what the meeting is for, right? To straighten things out and get everyone on the same page?

I am trying not to judge Andy—but I will admit that in the past I have judged him. The email was aimed at letting him know how I felt about the circumstances—I was hoping he would respond and set me straight if I had the wrong idea.

You’re right—my emotional attachments to Rhema are not appropriate for just a friendship—I realized this which was one of the reasons I asked to court her(I felt guilty the times Rhema and I were together because I felt like we were courting without her parents’ approval) I am only now focusing on the ‘friendship’ aspect of it all because I was not expecting him to completely cut Rhema and I off, and I was hoping I could suppress those emotions enough for a friendship to be ‘do-able’. I know it is my emotional attachments in this relationship that are causing me to probably be more stubborn than I should be, which in turn are temping me to sin.

I do try to question my motives for doing things; I know the Bible says the heart is deceptive above all things, and I really do want to gain an understanding into other people’s perspective in this situation. I realize that many times I let emotions guide my life—which is also why recently I’ve made sure to send both you and Andy copies of the emails that I write. I know that you (or Andy) could point out things that were not apparent to me.

About my membership—I will admit that that could also be based on my emotions, but it really is a big fear of mine that my motivations for coming to GCC will change over time. I really love GCC. I have not had too many good experiences with the church as a whole, and I guess I was trying to find a way to make sure that GCC didn’t become something else than it should be for me. Does that make sense? I know I might not be explaining it very well.

Again, I would like to thank you Pastor for ‘putting up’ with my mess, I’m not really used to having Pastors do all that you’ve done so far.

I look forward to our talking on Tuesday (though I’m not sure what else could be said about it all, I almost feel like we’ve talked the situation to death, hahaha)

Sincerely,
-Nick

So we all know that the decision Rhema’s dad made has really been bothering me. So I decided to email Pastor Bob about it (I ofcourse sent a copy of the email to Rhema’s dad)
It’s long….(we all know how long winded I can get) SO I’ve decided to use *gasp!* Lj-cuts for this post.

Dear Bob,

I am writing this e-mail first and foremost to apologize for my actions towards you on Sunday. I’m sorry that I was rude to you on the phone and ended up hanging up on you. Please forgive me.

I also wanted to write you because when you left me the message on my phone, you stated that you wanted to know my thoughts/perspective on this whole situation. I actually thought you already knew my thoughts on it, but I guess not. Thinking about it, I’m not even sure if Mr. Conn knows my thoughts, so I’ll be sending him this e-mail as well.

Please understand I’ve never been through anything like this before. I’ve never had anyone tell me that I couldn’t date their daughter, let alone tell me I was no longer allowed to be friends with her. I’m in complete and total shock. I admit I was angry, and still am a little, but now I’m not so much angry as I am hurt, offended, and really sad. Its not just the fact that the decision was made, its that Mr. Conn made the decision without discussing it with Rhema and myself, and then you agreed with and supported the decision without discussing it with Rhema and myself either. I feel like the two people who were affected most by this decision were left completely out of the loop, and just handed a decision that we are now forced to follow. I’m not trying to sound mean here, but did everyone really expect to just hand us the decision and expect no resistance? I care about Rhema very much—she is my best friend. In no way could I ever just sit back and let someone take that away from me without doing something. Especially since we feel like the wrong decision was made! I know rebellion is wrong (which is why I have called and apologized to Mr. Conn for doing it) but at that point in time I had become frantic, and was desperately trying to save something I felt(and still feel) that someone is taking away unjustly. I feel much of this situation could probably been avoided if everyone involved had just sat down and discussed it at length, with the four of us coming to a conclusion we could agree with. Of course it’s too late for that, seeing as how everyone’s minds are already made up, but still I would have thought that an important decision like that would have been discussed more openly than it was.

I also do not mean to be stubborn in my thinking, but I realize that the main issue here is weather two people should be allowed to court/date if they are not 100% ready for marriage. Both Rhema and I say yes–they can. However, Mr. Conn and you do not. I know that Mr. Conn read a lot of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” as part of his decision making process. It’s been a while since I read it, but I was under the assumption the book was written with young adults in mind—and trying to convince them to court and not date as the world does. I was not aware that the book was aimed towards convincing parents to force their kids into courting even when they don’t want to. And just to set the record straight, I’m not against courting. I just believe that it can be done even when a couple isn’t 100% ready for marriage. I think that everyone has gotten so caught up with marriage—all I ever hear when I’ve talked to the Conns is how neither one of us is ready for a marriage relationship. Well, guess what? I completely agree with that. And guess what else? I’m not asking to marry Rhema! I’m simply asking for the opportunity to get to know her better, get to know her parents better, and see how she and I relate as a couple. Yes, marriage may someday be in our future (or it may not) but right now, this isn’t even about marriage. And if Rhema and I ever think that marriage would be a possibility, we wouldn’t even bring it up unless we both knew we were ready for it, and her parents would be the first ones to know (um, besides us, that is. Chances are I wouldn’t even bring it up to her without first talking to her dad about it). All Rhema and I want to do is be able to see each other and talk to each other without having a set of super legalistic “you can only talk and see each other during church event” rules looming over us. We see nothing wrong with that! But I know there are other things to consider.

Mr. Conn firmly believes that it is bad for Rhema and I to be in a relationship, believing that I am negatively affecting her spiritual growth. Mr. Conn feels that Rhema needs to grow mainly in two areas– in her servanthood at home and in her ability to ’step out of her comfort zone’(IE, make more friends) He believe that she can not accomplish these two things while being in a relationship with myself. He also feels that I am not making friends fast enough at GCC and his decision will actually ’serve’ me by allowing me to make friends faster at GCC.

I have a few problems with this.

1. I do not believe that being in a relationship with Rhema negatively affected the two areas of her life that Mr. Conn wants her to grow in. In fact, I believe that I actually helped her in those areas. I was constantly encouraging her to do more for her family, even suggesting ideas in which she could serve that she had not thought of. Whenever we would talk many times the first words out of my mouth were “have you done your chores yet?” and there were many times where when she would say no, I would tell her to call me back when she had done them. As for the making friends part, I do not believe that I negatively affected that either– More recently,(before Mr. Conn made his decision) I could tell that Rhema was talking to more people, and really making an effort to get to know more individuals at GCC. I think her going to the PHC was really helping her in this area.

2. Rhema and I used to barely talk on Sundays (we used that time to focus on the sermon and talk to other people). We hung around each other, but we really didn’t talk. Being in a relationship with Rhema was actually helping me–she caused me to come out of my shell sooner than I would have if I was left all alone. I also feel that being a part of the set up team also helped me, by putting me in a situation where I was working along side of individuals–that made it easy to talk to and get to know the people I was serving with. I know that if was able to belong to the PHC caregroup that would help me even more, but my work schedule puts a damper on that. What doesn’t help me is taking away the friend I already have. This might not have been Mr. Conn’s intention, but I feel like people are trying to manipulate me into making friends their way. I know how I am. Taking away Rhema is only going to hurt my friend-making ‘abilities’ in the long run, because I wouldn’t be talking to people.(not out of rebellion, mind you) but just because I am in general a shy person who is not that social to begin with. I don’t really see an issue with this. I don’t make very many friends, but the friends I do make my friendships run deep with them. I don’t even consider someone I talk to once a week as a friend! For the most part, even in past churches I attended, I did most of my ‘fellowshipping’ and getting to know people outside of the church. Besides, I do not want my motivation for making friends to be so that Mr. Conn can be happy and ease up on his decision. Granted, I would not go into this situation with that motivation, but I think the temptation is there for that to happen to both Rhema and myself.

3. Since we’re no longer allowed to see or talk to each other outside church activities, it just sort of follows that at church and church activities Rhema and I will want to talk and hang out with each other. If you think about it, there really isn’t even much time at church to talk to one another. Maybe 5 minutes before service starts, max of 15 during the break(depending on how full your bladder is), and perhaps a maximum of 30 minutes after service depending on when whether or not it’s my setup week and when I leave church. This amounts to only 50 minutes, broken up into 3 sections. And while neither one of us actually wants to monopolize each others’ time at church in regards to talking to people and getting to know others, I feel that this situation as a whole creates the temptation for Rhema and I to actually start talking with each other more on Sundays. To Rhema and I, 50 minutes of talking (especially once a week) is practically nothing. And the last thing I want is to get into a situation where Mr. Conn is forbidding Rhema and I to even talk to each other on Sundays because he feels that we’re talking too much.

Honestly Bob, I really had hoped Mr. Conn would have said yes to us being in an ‘official’ relationship. (No duh, huh?) It never really occurred to me that he would say no: I sought council from the people who know me the best and I did a lot of praying about the situation. Even my parents, who probably know better than anyone that I’m not ready for marriage, were all thumbs up when I asked them about starting an official courtship with Rhema. For me, all signs pointed to a ‘yes’. If I had felt that God was leading Rhema and I to take a break, there would have been no reason for me to approach Mr. Conn about this subject—I would have just talked to Rhema about it and we would have taken a break for a little while.

I didn’t want things to be this way– I always wanted more of a partnership between Rhema, myself, and her parents. I always thought that once we started courting we’d be able to have little sit down meetings with the Conns once a month just to discuss how things were going and if they saw anything that disturbed them and if they had thought of anything that they thought we could work on. Right now I’m scared that because of how things are progressing (both on Rhema and my part, and on her parent’s part) that this is going to really strain/hurt any type of relationship that I have with them in the future as well as any kind of ‘couple’ relationship that Rhema and I have with them in the future. At the moment, it seems to me more like Rhema and I have an ‘us’ against ‘them’ form of relationship, which is really troubling me.

And when all is said and done, no matter what happens I will always want to court Rhema; I will always want to give us that chance and see what God’s will is for our relationship. And I know she feels the same. We know that this past week we messed up big time, and we are sorry for that. This is really difficult for us. I’m not really sure if anyone can really understand how difficult it is, seeing how no one in this situation with us has ever been put through this before.

So there you go: My thoughts/perspective on the subject.

Once again, I am sorry for how I behaved on Sunday. It was wrong of me to act that way. I hope you can forgive me.

Have a great day, and God Bless.

-Nick

Wow, that was long, huh? Well, yay for me Pastor Bob replied, and I just happen to have a copy of it…soooo………

Nick,

Thank you so much for humbling yourself. I do forgive you and am glad to do so in light of the many sins God has pardoned me of. I am grateful you want to be reconciled and I am eager to do so. I knew your actions were out of anger and was trusting that the Spirit would eventually convict you and give you grace. We had no intention of removing you from membership and giving your Family Conference registration to anyone else. It brings me great joy to see you turning back in repentance Nick.

I also appreciate your perspective on the situation with you and Rhema. I want to hear you further, but need to appeal to you Nick, that God has given you individuals in the church: Andy, Zach, me and others to help you see things in your relating to Rhema that you don’t. That doesn’t discount all the evidences of grace in the way you and Rhema relate (I respect you both for the many godly aspects of your relationship) but it does encourage us in biblical fellowship for the purpose of seeing where we are blind and need adjustment.

I don’t think it is fair to say, I’m not really sure if anyone can really understand how difficult it is, seeing how no one in this situation with us has ever been put through this before. We have all had (and still have) struggles in our relationship with the opposite sex and those experiences as well as our familiarity with God’s word and ways are meant to be points of helping others not make the same mistakes. That doesn’t mean I would say that I’ve pastored you perfectly through this situation, and I know Andy would say the same, but as sources of care and counsel in your life you should be desiring input, seeking to understand and grow and not insisting that no one can convince you that there is anything wrong with your relationship with Rhema. Proverbs says, “All the ways of a man are right in his own eyes, but the wise man seeks advice.” The fruit both of you displayed is evidence that there is more than you realize underlying your friendship, and receiving input from others is the means to discerning that, receiving God’s forgiveness and experiencing grace to change.

Would you be willing to get together with us to talk about those things? I believe it would be a real means of grace for you Nick as I think it would help you see that we are for you (and that doesn’t discount the possibility of you and Rhema someday actually officially courting). I am available next week Tuesday afternoon or late afternoon on Wednesday. Let me know. I am praying for you Nick.

Gratefully Yours,
Bob

So yay, that was his response. And ofcourse what did I do? I responded back.

Bob,

I meant no disrespect when I stated that I wasn’t sure if anyone could really understand how difficult this was for me, I was only trying to point out how difficult it is for me to be not able to communicate and hang out with one of my best friends.

Thank you for forgiving me.

I would appreciate the opportunity to get together with you (and who else?) to discuss this matter further. I’m not sure how late you were talking about, But Tuesday would be best for me(as long as it doesn’t run past 7:30—I have caregroup that evening) Wednesday would also be good but only after 1pm( I have a class I’m slated to take at work and it doesn’t get out until 12pm). I’m not sure if you use Microsoft Outlook, but if you do just send me a calendar meeting request. J

I would ask that you please continue to pray for me, I am having a really difficult time humbling myself in this situation, and I know that during this meeting it’s going to be very difficult for me not to become hard hearted. I also realize that there is the possibility that even after the meeting I will still feel tempted to be bitter towards this decision.

I really do want what God’s will is for Rhema and myself in this situation—I’m just struggling to accept that it is not being friends/not being in a relationship at this point in time.

Thank you for not giving up on me and wanting to meet with me to discuss this further.

God Bless,

Nick

So there you have it The latest installment of the Nick-Rhema saga.

So I just got home to a very hot house. Man I wish the AC would just hurry up and be fixed!
I'm really tired, and I'm about to go take a shower and head off to bed, but I wanted to give a quick update first.
The main thing being– I just got off the phone apologizing to Mr. Conn for how evilly I acted on Sunday. He didn't answer his phone, so I just left him a message(yeah yeah, I know–wimps way out) But at least it's done and over with. I was wrong to act that way, and the right thing to do was apologize.
So yeah. Wow I can't believe I just called and apologized! I wonder what he is going to think/say about it?
I'm tired. and smelly. Off I go to take a shower, and then off to dream land. At least, that's the plan. Lets all hope the shower is really relaxing, and not invigorating, or else I'll be up all night.

One more note before I go. The past couple of days (and especially today) I've been hearing this Christian song play like–everywhere, and it really moved me and like, totally encompasses how I feel and stuff. If you're accessing this page through the news link on ztug.net, and if you have your speakers turned up, then you are already hearing this song. Today I must have heard it at least 6 times(like, it was on every time I turned on the radio)
Here are the lyrics.

The song is called No One Else Knows

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I'm not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I'm broken
I'm broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I'm falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can't see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I'll leave it in Your hands

So there it is. God Bless.
–Nick
I don't cry on the outside anymore…

Bob,

Thank you for taking the time to call me and see how I was doing. I did try to get counsel from you about 3 weeks ago, but you were too busy and ended up passing me off to Zach. I see no point in us continuing any form of communication from this point on. I know that nothing you say will make this any easier for me nor will you be able to change my opinion/perspective on this matter, and I know the same goes for myself trying to speak with you or Mr. Conn.
For the record, I will always believe that Mr. Conn is wrong and is only making the decision in an effort to keep Rhema home for as long as possible so he and Lauren may continue to abuse their biblical authority over her and ‘force’ her to become a slave to her family.
Please cancel my membership in Grace Community Church effective June 6, 2005. I can not be a part of a church where the leadership agrees with and supports one man’s decision to forbid his daughter to have a friendship with a fellow believer in Christ, regardless of any underlying mutual attraction that may be present.
Up until today Rhema and I did everything correct in our relationship (Andy going so far as to thank us for having a pure and mature and Godly relationship) and we were rewarded/punished by having our friendship taken away. How can I belong to a church where its members and pastoral team feel it is ok to dictate who someone can and can not be friends with? The answer-I can not.
You may keep my 88$ for the GCC retreat and allow someone else to use it who may not have gone due to financial hardship, and you can also tell Mark Allen to keep and use the check I gave him Sunday morning for the same purpose.
Please do whatever is necessary in your database to remove me from membership.
Sincerely,
Nicholas Clark