An e-mail I sent Pastor Bob and Rhema's Dad

So we all know that the decision Rhema’s dad made has really been bothering me. So I decided to email Pastor Bob about it (I ofcourse sent a copy of the email to Rhema’s dad)
It’s long….(we all know how long winded I can get) SO I’ve decided to use *gasp!* Lj-cuts for this post.

Dear Bob,

I am writing this e-mail first and foremost to apologize for my actions towards you on Sunday. I’m sorry that I was rude to you on the phone and ended up hanging up on you. Please forgive me.

I also wanted to write you because when you left me the message on my phone, you stated that you wanted to know my thoughts/perspective on this whole situation. I actually thought you already knew my thoughts on it, but I guess not. Thinking about it, I’m not even sure if Mr. Conn knows my thoughts, so I’ll be sending him this e-mail as well.

Please understand I’ve never been through anything like this before. I’ve never had anyone tell me that I couldn’t date their daughter, let alone tell me I was no longer allowed to be friends with her. I’m in complete and total shock. I admit I was angry, and still am a little, but now I’m not so much angry as I am hurt, offended, and really sad. Its not just the fact that the decision was made, its that Mr. Conn made the decision without discussing it with Rhema and myself, and then you agreed with and supported the decision without discussing it with Rhema and myself either. I feel like the two people who were affected most by this decision were left completely out of the loop, and just handed a decision that we are now forced to follow. I’m not trying to sound mean here, but did everyone really expect to just hand us the decision and expect no resistance? I care about Rhema very much—she is my best friend. In no way could I ever just sit back and let someone take that away from me without doing something. Especially since we feel like the wrong decision was made! I know rebellion is wrong (which is why I have called and apologized to Mr. Conn for doing it) but at that point in time I had become frantic, and was desperately trying to save something I felt(and still feel) that someone is taking away unjustly. I feel much of this situation could probably been avoided if everyone involved had just sat down and discussed it at length, with the four of us coming to a conclusion we could agree with. Of course it’s too late for that, seeing as how everyone’s minds are already made up, but still I would have thought that an important decision like that would have been discussed more openly than it was.

I also do not mean to be stubborn in my thinking, but I realize that the main issue here is weather two people should be allowed to court/date if they are not 100% ready for marriage. Both Rhema and I say yes–they can. However, Mr. Conn and you do not. I know that Mr. Conn read a lot of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” as part of his decision making process. It’s been a while since I read it, but I was under the assumption the book was written with young adults in mind—and trying to convince them to court and not date as the world does. I was not aware that the book was aimed towards convincing parents to force their kids into courting even when they don’t want to. And just to set the record straight, I’m not against courting. I just believe that it can be done even when a couple isn’t 100% ready for marriage. I think that everyone has gotten so caught up with marriage—all I ever hear when I’ve talked to the Conns is how neither one of us is ready for a marriage relationship. Well, guess what? I completely agree with that. And guess what else? I’m not asking to marry Rhema! I’m simply asking for the opportunity to get to know her better, get to know her parents better, and see how she and I relate as a couple. Yes, marriage may someday be in our future (or it may not) but right now, this isn’t even about marriage. And if Rhema and I ever think that marriage would be a possibility, we wouldn’t even bring it up unless we both knew we were ready for it, and her parents would be the first ones to know (um, besides us, that is. Chances are I wouldn’t even bring it up to her without first talking to her dad about it). All Rhema and I want to do is be able to see each other and talk to each other without having a set of super legalistic “you can only talk and see each other during church event” rules looming over us. We see nothing wrong with that! But I know there are other things to consider.

Mr. Conn firmly believes that it is bad for Rhema and I to be in a relationship, believing that I am negatively affecting her spiritual growth. Mr. Conn feels that Rhema needs to grow mainly in two areas– in her servanthood at home and in her ability to ’step out of her comfort zone’(IE, make more friends) He believe that she can not accomplish these two things while being in a relationship with myself. He also feels that I am not making friends fast enough at GCC and his decision will actually ’serve’ me by allowing me to make friends faster at GCC.

I have a few problems with this.

1. I do not believe that being in a relationship with Rhema negatively affected the two areas of her life that Mr. Conn wants her to grow in. In fact, I believe that I actually helped her in those areas. I was constantly encouraging her to do more for her family, even suggesting ideas in which she could serve that she had not thought of. Whenever we would talk many times the first words out of my mouth were “have you done your chores yet?” and there were many times where when she would say no, I would tell her to call me back when she had done them. As for the making friends part, I do not believe that I negatively affected that either– More recently,(before Mr. Conn made his decision) I could tell that Rhema was talking to more people, and really making an effort to get to know more individuals at GCC. I think her going to the PHC was really helping her in this area.

2. Rhema and I used to barely talk on Sundays (we used that time to focus on the sermon and talk to other people). We hung around each other, but we really didn’t talk. Being in a relationship with Rhema was actually helping me–she caused me to come out of my shell sooner than I would have if I was left all alone. I also feel that being a part of the set up team also helped me, by putting me in a situation where I was working along side of individuals–that made it easy to talk to and get to know the people I was serving with. I know that if was able to belong to the PHC caregroup that would help me even more, but my work schedule puts a damper on that. What doesn’t help me is taking away the friend I already have. This might not have been Mr. Conn’s intention, but I feel like people are trying to manipulate me into making friends their way. I know how I am. Taking away Rhema is only going to hurt my friend-making ‘abilities’ in the long run, because I wouldn’t be talking to people.(not out of rebellion, mind you) but just because I am in general a shy person who is not that social to begin with. I don’t really see an issue with this. I don’t make very many friends, but the friends I do make my friendships run deep with them. I don’t even consider someone I talk to once a week as a friend! For the most part, even in past churches I attended, I did most of my ‘fellowshipping’ and getting to know people outside of the church. Besides, I do not want my motivation for making friends to be so that Mr. Conn can be happy and ease up on his decision. Granted, I would not go into this situation with that motivation, but I think the temptation is there for that to happen to both Rhema and myself.

3. Since we’re no longer allowed to see or talk to each other outside church activities, it just sort of follows that at church and church activities Rhema and I will want to talk and hang out with each other. If you think about it, there really isn’t even much time at church to talk to one another. Maybe 5 minutes before service starts, max of 15 during the break(depending on how full your bladder is), and perhaps a maximum of 30 minutes after service depending on when whether or not it’s my setup week and when I leave church. This amounts to only 50 minutes, broken up into 3 sections. And while neither one of us actually wants to monopolize each others’ time at church in regards to talking to people and getting to know others, I feel that this situation as a whole creates the temptation for Rhema and I to actually start talking with each other more on Sundays. To Rhema and I, 50 minutes of talking (especially once a week) is practically nothing. And the last thing I want is to get into a situation where Mr. Conn is forbidding Rhema and I to even talk to each other on Sundays because he feels that we’re talking too much.

Honestly Bob, I really had hoped Mr. Conn would have said yes to us being in an ‘official’ relationship. (No duh, huh?) It never really occurred to me that he would say no: I sought council from the people who know me the best and I did a lot of praying about the situation. Even my parents, who probably know better than anyone that I’m not ready for marriage, were all thumbs up when I asked them about starting an official courtship with Rhema. For me, all signs pointed to a ‘yes’. If I had felt that God was leading Rhema and I to take a break, there would have been no reason for me to approach Mr. Conn about this subject—I would have just talked to Rhema about it and we would have taken a break for a little while.

I didn’t want things to be this way– I always wanted more of a partnership between Rhema, myself, and her parents. I always thought that once we started courting we’d be able to have little sit down meetings with the Conns once a month just to discuss how things were going and if they saw anything that disturbed them and if they had thought of anything that they thought we could work on. Right now I’m scared that because of how things are progressing (both on Rhema and my part, and on her parent’s part) that this is going to really strain/hurt any type of relationship that I have with them in the future as well as any kind of ‘couple’ relationship that Rhema and I have with them in the future. At the moment, it seems to me more like Rhema and I have an ‘us’ against ‘them’ form of relationship, which is really troubling me.

And when all is said and done, no matter what happens I will always want to court Rhema; I will always want to give us that chance and see what God’s will is for our relationship. And I know she feels the same. We know that this past week we messed up big time, and we are sorry for that. This is really difficult for us. I’m not really sure if anyone can really understand how difficult it is, seeing how no one in this situation with us has ever been put through this before.

So there you go: My thoughts/perspective on the subject.

Once again, I am sorry for how I behaved on Sunday. It was wrong of me to act that way. I hope you can forgive me.

Have a great day, and God Bless.

-Nick

Wow, that was long, huh? Well, yay for me Pastor Bob replied, and I just happen to have a copy of it…soooo………

Nick,

Thank you so much for humbling yourself. I do forgive you and am glad to do so in light of the many sins God has pardoned me of. I am grateful you want to be reconciled and I am eager to do so. I knew your actions were out of anger and was trusting that the Spirit would eventually convict you and give you grace. We had no intention of removing you from membership and giving your Family Conference registration to anyone else. It brings me great joy to see you turning back in repentance Nick.

I also appreciate your perspective on the situation with you and Rhema. I want to hear you further, but need to appeal to you Nick, that God has given you individuals in the church: Andy, Zach, me and others to help you see things in your relating to Rhema that you don’t. That doesn’t discount all the evidences of grace in the way you and Rhema relate (I respect you both for the many godly aspects of your relationship) but it does encourage us in biblical fellowship for the purpose of seeing where we are blind and need adjustment.

I don’t think it is fair to say, I’m not really sure if anyone can really understand how difficult it is, seeing how no one in this situation with us has ever been put through this before. We have all had (and still have) struggles in our relationship with the opposite sex and those experiences as well as our familiarity with God’s word and ways are meant to be points of helping others not make the same mistakes. That doesn’t mean I would say that I’ve pastored you perfectly through this situation, and I know Andy would say the same, but as sources of care and counsel in your life you should be desiring input, seeking to understand and grow and not insisting that no one can convince you that there is anything wrong with your relationship with Rhema. Proverbs says, “All the ways of a man are right in his own eyes, but the wise man seeks advice.” The fruit both of you displayed is evidence that there is more than you realize underlying your friendship, and receiving input from others is the means to discerning that, receiving God’s forgiveness and experiencing grace to change.

Would you be willing to get together with us to talk about those things? I believe it would be a real means of grace for you Nick as I think it would help you see that we are for you (and that doesn’t discount the possibility of you and Rhema someday actually officially courting). I am available next week Tuesday afternoon or late afternoon on Wednesday. Let me know. I am praying for you Nick.

Gratefully Yours,
Bob

So yay, that was his response. And ofcourse what did I do? I responded back.

Bob,

I meant no disrespect when I stated that I wasn’t sure if anyone could really understand how difficult this was for me, I was only trying to point out how difficult it is for me to be not able to communicate and hang out with one of my best friends.

Thank you for forgiving me.

I would appreciate the opportunity to get together with you (and who else?) to discuss this matter further. I’m not sure how late you were talking about, But Tuesday would be best for me(as long as it doesn’t run past 7:30—I have caregroup that evening) Wednesday would also be good but only after 1pm( I have a class I’m slated to take at work and it doesn’t get out until 12pm). I’m not sure if you use Microsoft Outlook, but if you do just send me a calendar meeting request. J

I would ask that you please continue to pray for me, I am having a really difficult time humbling myself in this situation, and I know that during this meeting it’s going to be very difficult for me not to become hard hearted. I also realize that there is the possibility that even after the meeting I will still feel tempted to be bitter towards this decision.

I really do want what God’s will is for Rhema and myself in this situation—I’m just struggling to accept that it is not being friends/not being in a relationship at this point in time.

Thank you for not giving up on me and wanting to meet with me to discuss this further.

God Bless,

Nick

So there you have it The latest installment of the Nick-Rhema saga.