the Happy Birthday to Rhema (and other stuff) post

Today is Rhema’s 19th birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RHEMA!

I’m really regretting my decision to not send her flowers. I know it was the right and obedient and God-pleasing thing to do–but I still wish I had done it. I mean, lets be honest with ourselves… nothing I do or don’t do is going to make the situation any better or any worse.At least sending the flowers would have showed her that I still love her. Damn it. I should have sent her the flowers.

I hope that shes ok–and that she has an awesome birthday and an awesome year being 19. LOL, I hope she has an awesome life! I know God has so much in store for her, and I know He is going to do amazing things in her life and in the lives of her family members. So Rhema if you ever read this–just know that I’m praying for you every single day and I wish you only God’s best. God has great and mighty plans for you, and I know He is changing you into the person He wants you to be. No matter what you go through always remember that God is in control and that He has ‘ordered’ your steps long before you were born.

It’s always amazing to me whenever I look at my life how much it can completely change in 1 year. Actually, re-thinking that–At this point in time I am exactly where I was a year ago–except that back then Rhema and I had just barely started our relationship.

I’m trying to figure out when I’m going to delete all the stuff on my computer about her and throw away all the stuff she gave me/stuff I’ve collected concerning the relationship with her. Everything is in a box–I just can’t bring myself to throw it away. I probably never will either. It’s funny thinking about it really; out of all the past relationships I’ve had(even my failed marriage) Rhema was the only one who I collected stuff about. Not weird stuff(in case you all thought I was stroking locks of her hair or something!) Just…stuff. Movie stubs to every movie we’ve ever gone to, notes/letters/cards shes written me, pictures of us, stuffed animals shes given me, my pink barbie hat that I bought trying to impress her the first day we met. And then ofcourse theres my computer files filled with more pictures, copies of letters I’ve written her, aim conversations I thought were important enough to save, as well as a copy of every email shes ever sent me. Wow. Thats alot of stuff. I am so not throwing it out. Ever.

And if you have a problem with that–deal with it. I’m not in the mood to hear any self righteous “Oh, it sounds like you have an idol in your life! You must throw it out and move on with your life” crap. The fact is, everything reminds me of her. I’d have to move and live with the monks of northern Thailand to get away from all the things that remind me of her–and even then I know there would still be memories.

“You’re not allowed to be in love with another man’s wife” Oh, that is complete and utter crap. I can love whomever I want. It’s just the ability to act on that love that makes it right or wrong. So there! (sorry about that… I was remembering what someone once told me concerning my relationship with Rhema and I just got really mad there for a second. And please don’t freak out–Rhema isn’t married. Shes not even engaged. But she will be, and probably not to me. That is what the guy was talking about when he made the comment)

On another note—I should have gone to work today. Megan didn’t sound too happy that I was calling in sick. Oh well. I just don’t care anymore. My job is NOT going to become my life.