Preview of my Mosaic article for May 2006

Ask the Nickness
A humorous look at the questions that plague us all

Dear Nickness,

My grandmother and I are really close and next week she is turning 92 years old. Shes had one Bible for the past 50 years and it's falling apart. I want to get her a new Bible for her birthday, but I'm not sure which one to get her. Any ideas?
-Kate

Trying one last time to make it into the will, eh Kate? You must not be that close to your granny if you don't even know what kind of Bible she wants! But don't worry, you've come to the right place. Seeing as how I work for a Christian bookstore, I get asked this question all the time. I can help you find a bible that is guaranteed to get your name somewhere in that will before she kicks the ol' bucket. There are many options Kate, but I’ll highlight the three main ones that you should pay attention to. First off, she's turning 92, so chances are she'll want a Bible that makes her forget about her age. Forget the old school King James leather bound that screams old and senile. Your first choice should be the New Living Translation Teen Bible. I guarantee when she walks into early Sunday service with that thing, the men won't think she's a day past 50. Granted, it'll be tough finding a teen bible with giant print so she can read it, but with all the attention she'll be getting from the men I doubt she'll have time to read anyway. Not her cup of tea? Next up think about getting her the new NIV Archaeological Study Bible. It's the only full color bible on the market right now (which makes it easy on the eyes) and contains over 500 articles relating to life back in Biblical Israel. I'd love to find out how those articles hold up to the scrutiny of someone who actually lived during that time period, so if you decide to get that one let me know what she thinks. I'd also like to find out what Jesus was writing in the sand, so do me a favor and ask her that for me as well. Finally, if none of those other options seem to fit your dear grandmamma, your last option is to break down and buy the old school King James leather bound, and hand transfer all of her notes for her (because lets face it: she'll be dead before she finishes transferring even half of 50 years worth of notes) Sadly with this option she won't even notice you got her a new Bible, and if you try telling her she'll think you're just trying to hit her up for money. My advice? Skip the Bible and buy her a container of Metamucil. She'll probably like that much better and it's actually something she'll be able to get good use out of.

Have a question you want the Nickness to answer? Email him at nick@mosaicnova.org

So theres the article. I still think the title needs some work though. I want to make sure everyone knows it's humor, so they don't get offended and think I'm really answering someone's question. Any ideas?

I'm in love…

Canon EOS 350D Digital Rebel

* 8.2-megapixel, 22.2 x 14.8mm, 12-bit RGB CMOS sensor delivering 3,456 x 2,304-pixel images. Effective count of 8.0-megapixels and 3:2 aspect ratio.
* Single-lens reflex digital camera with interchangeable lenses (supports all Canon EOS series lenses). Focal length multiplier of 1.6x as compared to a 35mm camera.
* Variable ISO (100, 200, 400, 800, and 1,600 settings).
* TTL optical viewfinder with detailed information display, diopter adjustment, and depth-of-field preview.
* 1.8-inch, low-temperature TFT LCD with 115,000 pixels.
* Automatic, Program AE, Shutter Priority, Aperture Priority, Depth-of-Field AE, and Manual exposure modes, plus Portrait, Landscape, Close-up, Sports, Night Portrait, and Flash Off programmed modes.
* Operates in “shooting priority mode,” meaning there's no separate “playback” mode to view pictures. Pictures can be viewed between shots, and even if camera is showing a picture or in a menu, pressing the Shutter button causes the camera to take a photo immediately.
* Continuous Shooting mode capturing as many as 14 images as fast as 3 frames per second (with shutter speeds of 1/250 second or faster.)
* Variable white balance with Auto, six manual presets, and a Custom setting (reads from a neutral gray or white card), as well as a color correction tool.
* TTL autofocus with seven focusing points, manually or automatically selectable. One shot AF, AI Servo AF , AI Focus AF, and manual focus with AF assist beam, depending on exposure mode selected. Working range of EV 0.5 to 18 at ISO 100.
* Built-in E-TTL retractable-type flash with red-eye reduction. Guide Number is 13/43 at ISO 100, m/ft, flash angle covers the field of an 17mm lens. Topside hot shoe for external flash connection of EX Speedlite flashes.
* Flash exposure lock function. (FEL)
* External hot shoe supports E-TTL II metering, FEL, and FP (high speed sync) flash with Canon EX Series Speedlight.
* Redeye Reduction via built-in illuminator.
* TTL maximum-aperture metering with a 35-zone silicon photocell. 35-zone Evaluative metering linked to all focusing points, Center weighted average metering, or nine percent central-area spot metering. Metering range of EV 1 to 20 (at normal temperatures, EF 50mm f/1.4 USM, ISO 100).
* Adjustable exposure compensation from -2 to +2 EV in 1/3 or 1/2 EV increments in all exposure modes.
* Auto exposure bracketing (AEB) from -2 to +2 EV in 1/3 or 1/2 EV increments in all autoexposure modes.
* White balance bracketing. (JPEG file format only)
* Shutter speeds from 1/4,000 to 30 seconds, and a Bulb setting for longer exposures.
* Electronic self-timer with a fixed duration of 10 seconds.
* Optional external hand grip/battery pack adds secondary shutter release and control wheel, as well as AE lock and focus point buttons for vertical-format shooting.
* Image storage on CompactFlash Type I or II, compatible with IBM MicroDrives
* USB 2.0 connectivity with TWAIN driver for PC and Adobe Photoshop plugin for Macintosh. NTSC/PAL selectable video out connectivity. E3 remote control socket and IR remote control window.
* 24-bit JPEG and 36-bit RAW data file formats. Available resolution settings are: 3,456 x 2,304; 2,496 x 1,664; and 1,728 x 1,152.
* Backlit LCD data readout, for easier operation in the dark.
* DPOF (Digital Print Order Format) and DCF (Design Rule for Camera File System) compliant.
* Direct Print capability to selected Canon photo printers.
* Camera body available separately, or as part of a kit with lens and accessories.

I barely have a clue as to what all of that means. But I want it. God, do I want it. And it's only $899. My birthday is May 12. You all should think about pooling your money together and making me happy for my birthday.