Preview of my Mosaic article for May 2006

Ask the Nickness
A humorous look at the questions that plague us all

Dear Nickness,

My grandmother and I are really close and next week she is turning 92 years old. Shes had one Bible for the past 50 years and it's falling apart. I want to get her a new Bible for her birthday, but I'm not sure which one to get her. Any ideas?
-Kate

Trying one last time to make it into the will, eh Kate? You must not be that close to your granny if you don't even know what kind of Bible she wants! But don't worry, you've come to the right place. Seeing as how I work for a Christian bookstore, I get asked this question all the time. I can help you find a bible that is guaranteed to get your name somewhere in that will before she kicks the ol' bucket. There are many options Kate, but I’ll highlight the three main ones that you should pay attention to. First off, she's turning 92, so chances are she'll want a Bible that makes her forget about her age. Forget the old school King James leather bound that screams old and senile. Your first choice should be the New Living Translation Teen Bible. I guarantee when she walks into early Sunday service with that thing, the men won't think she's a day past 50. Granted, it'll be tough finding a teen bible with giant print so she can read it, but with all the attention she'll be getting from the men I doubt she'll have time to read anyway. Not her cup of tea? Next up think about getting her the new NIV Archaeological Study Bible. It's the only full color bible on the market right now (which makes it easy on the eyes) and contains over 500 articles relating to life back in Biblical Israel. I'd love to find out how those articles hold up to the scrutiny of someone who actually lived during that time period, so if you decide to get that one let me know what she thinks. I'd also like to find out what Jesus was writing in the sand, so do me a favor and ask her that for me as well. Finally, if none of those other options seem to fit your dear grandmamma, your last option is to break down and buy the old school King James leather bound, and hand transfer all of her notes for her (because lets face it: she'll be dead before she finishes transferring even half of 50 years worth of notes) Sadly with this option she won't even notice you got her a new Bible, and if you try telling her she'll think you're just trying to hit her up for money. My advice? Skip the Bible and buy her a container of Metamucil. She'll probably like that much better and it's actually something she'll be able to get good use out of.

Have a question you want the Nickness to answer? Email him at nick@mosaicnova.org

So theres the article. I still think the title needs some work though. I want to make sure everyone knows it's humor, so they don't get offended and think I'm really answering someone's question. Any ideas?