God, I am getting very frustrated…
Disclaimer before the actual post: I am not bitter. I am not angry. I don't hate God. I'm not angry with Him. I'm just…ranting right now.
So heres the story. After the whole Ashley fiasco, I really felt strongly that I was supposed to stop looking for someone to date. Contrary to popular belief, I am not constantly seriously looking, but there were/are a few websites that I would visit regularly just to see what was out there. I felt pretty strongly that if God wanted me to have someone in my life, he would bring the right person in His timing.
So I stopped visiting the sites. A wee bit later(I'm not sure how long, because I didn't keep track) I got a message from one of those sites saying that a girl wanted to meet me. That hardly ever happens, and when it does, it always turns out badly. My first instint was to ignore it, which I did for a couple days, until curiousity got the best of me and I went in and saw that not only had the girl been interested in meeting me, but had left me her email. So I emailed her.
She responded, and soon after we started talking on the phone(she rarely got online to begin with) We had alot in common and seemed to really get along well(at least over the phone) so after about a month went by, she asked if I wanted to come down and visit her. I was unsure(wanting to take things slow, as did she) but agreed and last Sunday I drove 2 hours to visit her church and spend some time with her.
It went great. The church reminded me of my grandparents, and I got to meet her family and friends and pastor. I even came out of my shell and talked to people(moreso than I'm used to)
Everyone loved me. I know this, because not only did they tell me, but she told me as well. Alas, it was not to be. I got a phone call from her yesterday saying that even though I'm a great catch, was a big hit, and have alot to bring to a relationship, she felt like she was not ready to 'take the plung' and start dating. We won't be seeing each other again, and we probably won't remain friends(she never gets online, doesn't have long distance on her phone, and lives 2 hours away) Sigh.
This is the part thats annoying/frustrating me. Recently in my dating 'life' I seem to be getting involved with women who aren't ready for a relationship. This time I thought would be different, because she contacted me. But it was the same. Which is really freaking me out inside. Classically speaking, isn't it the guy's 'job' to not want to be in a committed relationship? Aren't the women supposed to be huddling together in sleep overs complaining that their crush doesn't want to go steady? I feel like such the girl now. All thats missing is the pint of Ben and Jerry. And perhaps the wonders of V3.
People have to do whats right for them. I understand that. And I'm glad she told me she couldn't handle a relationship before we actually got into one. But what was the point of even contacting me? What exactly is this teaching me? How to talk to random people I don't know and will never meet again? Patience? How to not get my hopes up? How to gaurd my heart so closely that when the right one finally does come along she'll have to own a sledgehammer to get through the hardheartedness? Yes yes, I'm sure I'm being overdramatic now.
So ok God. I don't know what I'm doing. Or where I'm going. I know where I want to go, and what I want do to, and where I believe you want me to go and what you want me to do, but I have no idea how to get there. Feel free to step in any time and take over. Really. I wouldn't mind some cool vision right about now, or an awesomely scarey angel visiting me telling me to follow the bright star. I know you don't owe me anything, but if you feel like it, I'd love to know what you have planned for me, and how you plan on getting me there. Just let me know about the angel, ok? I wouldn't want 'him' to show up and me to have not saved 'him' a slice of pizza.
It's the waiting thats the most annoying part.
