Well, after the last email that I wrote to Bob, I decided it would be best to write an email to Rhema’s father. However, I sent a copy of the email to Pastor Bob, just like I sent a copy of the other email to Rhema’s dad.
It’s long.. so….
Mr. Conn,
Thank you for your message, I apologize for not answering the phone last night when you called, I was sleeping and did not hear it.
There are still a few things I feel I need to let you know. I originally emailed Bob about this about a month ago, but nothing really became of that e-mail. However, it is apparent to me now that I should have been emailing you from the ‘get-go’, so this is my attempt to ‘clear the air’. I feel there are still things that need to be said. Please keep in mind that I do not mean any disrespect in this e-mail, so please keep that in mind as you are reading. Some of this may seem like a repeat of things I said in the last e-mail to you and Bob, but a lot of this I feel may be new to you.
I really and truly feel like it is the right time for Rhema and I to pursue a courtship. I had felt that way for a while, but did not act on it because I wanted to give it more time and pray about it more. When I felt God was saying yes, I sought the counsel of my family and close friends. Even when they said yes, I still waited, not sure of how you and your wife would react–I know that every time Rhema had broached the subject to you, both you and your wife had been completely close-minded about the situation, telling her that there was no way you would agree to a courtship. Finally one day, I find out that Rhema talked to you about the situation and you actually told her that you were no longer closed to the idea, and that you were open to the possibility that it was the right time for us to have an ‘official’ courtship. When I heard this, I was very excited and of course called you up, wanting to meet with you. We met, and we talked at length about the subject. A week later, I called you up again and you gave me a sort of ‘homework’ assignment–asking me a few questions that I told you I would pray about, write down the answers, and get back to you on. The following Sunday, I talked with Bob and he told me that it would be better NOT to meet with him–he had some questions he would e-mail me, and it would probably take me some time to answer them.
However, I never got the chance to answer Bob’s (or rightly your) questions, I didn’t even receive them before you called me on Monday and told me your decision. This is the part that hurts and offends me the most. When you called, you asked me about the answers to your questions, and even when in told you I was still working on them, you put me on the spot and asked for answers anyway. Of the answers I gave you, I felt you belittled my answers to make them seem worthless, and in the end gave me your decision that Rhema and I would have to take a break. I was heart broken. I even asked you if when Rhema was ready to court, if you would let me know so that we could re-visit the situation, and you flat out told me no. Now that I really do not understand at all! If your only issue with us courting was the timing, why deny my request to let me know when you felt it was an appropriate time for Rhema to begin a courtship? Just that fact alone made me question your decision, and cause me to wonder whether or not you had pure motives in your final answer.
Then I find out that you hadn’t even made your decision Monday when you called me, you made your decision Sunday afternoon, after talking with Bob. I felt very angry and upset at you AND Bob. Why go through the façade of asking me all these questions, but then both of you not even waiting for my answers before coming to a final decision? I knew in my heart when you were asking me for those answers on Monday that nothing I said could have convinced you otherwise–so why, when you called me, did you go through the charade of asking me for the answers to your questions when you had already made up your mind? This is another major part of the reason that I have doubts about your decision. When we talked at Starbucks, you had made references to all of us meeting with Bob to discuss this, and that it probably would occur after Rhema got back from her trip to Colorado (meaning, middle/end of July). Yet you made your decision in a week and a half! I was (still am) totally blown away. Even if your decision is correct (which I still do not believe is true): for me the way you went about presenting your decision completely showed the opposite.
I had held out hope that you might have been persuaded to change your decision, but I realize now, in light of everything that has been said about this subject (and especially in light of last Sunday’s events) that you will not. And I don’t really understand it. You said yourself that the relationship between Rhema and myself was pure, Godly, and mature. And in our minds/hearts, we were already courting. So what would have changed between us if you had said yes? Nothing except for the fact that now we could actually call each other boyfriend/girlfriend and not just ‘friends’. I don’t think you even gave Rhema and I a chance. I feel like you and your wife ignored the situation that was developing between Rhema and myself, and only dealt with it when you had to (I.e., I came to you and asked if I could court her) It’s only now that people feel that our relationship was bad and that it needed to be stopped. If you and your wife had so many issues with how Rhema and I were relating, why did you not pull me aside like you did last Sunday and let me know about them? The only time we ever really talked about the relationship between your daughter and myself was when Rhema and I were still developing our friendship, and you and I talked about waiting for a courtship in the car on the way to IHOP. That was 9-10 months ago. When you told me your decision that Monday on the phone, you also asked for forgiveness because you said you felt like you and Lauren had led us into thinking that you’d be ok with us starting a courtship now. And I forgave you. But I want to point out that I don’t think you just led us on into thinking that you’d be ok with us being in an official courtship. It’s because of you that we’re at the point that we’re at. You helped us get to where we are now. By not voicing your concerns on our relationship until now, you gave your silent approval that everything was ok. (Granted, I know you and your wife had to remind us a few times that you didn’t like that we were talking on the phone past midnight. And in all honesty, when we did that we weren’t trying to rebel against you. Rhema and I enjoy talking to each other, and many times the time simply got away from us.) And now, I feel that you’ve realized your mistake and I feel that your solution is just the same as it was before—you want to ignore the situation, so you ban Rhema and I from even communicating in hopes that it’ll just all go away and that her and I will just forget about each other. I feel that the only reason you’re letting us talk on Sunday and at church activities is because that’s the only place where you feel you can watch our every move/action(even though last Sunday was the only time we ever gave you a reason to not trust us). Mr. Conn, let me be honest with you—I am completely in love with your daughter. And while you and the pastoral leadership of GCC may feel that’s inappropriate and wrong, that’s how it is, and I don’t see myself suddenly waking up one day and not being in love with her. And like I said in the past e-mail, I will always want to court her and see where God’s will for this relationship lies.
I really want to appeal to you now Mr. Conn, even though I know you won’t change your decision about us courting, I would plead with you to please consider changing your mind about the no communication thing. I know you don’t like us talking on the phone, and chances are you’d never let us talk over instant message (its too much like the phone) But maybe you would consider letting us e-mail back and forth, or, if that was too much, I’d even settle for letter writing. I really care for your daughter and I know that neither she nor I are happy with the current situation. Not that you have to change your decision based around on our levels of happiness, but I would hope that you would at least prayerfully consider changing this one aspect of your decision.
I also wanted to let you know that my decision to leave GCC is no longer based in any anger that I had in the past. I will be the first to admit that the decision I came to earlier in the week was wrong because behind it was anger, resentment, and bitterness. But now my reasons have changed. I really do not want to sacrifice my growth in God because of your daughter. I love your daughter, but I love God a lot more; and I really am focused on Him, His will for my life, and my growth in Him. In my opinion, the current situation leaves too much room for temptation to sneak in and change our motivations for going to GCC. I do not want that to happen, and I believe the easiest way to avoid this temptation is to make sure I’m not in the situation. I feel that I could grow more at this time in my life by attending another church. I realize, of course, that this means I will never again be allowed to see Rhema, and while I’m not really ok with that, I’m trusting in God that eventually your heart towards this situation will change and you will allow us to communicate with and see each other sometime in the future.
Once again, I would like to apologize for my actions last Sunday. I was not trying to usurp your authority in Rhema’s life, I know that it is important for you to trust your daughter and have a good relationship with her. I never really wanted to rebel in the first place—I know that rebellion is wrong; I just let my emotions get the best of me. And while I’m not trying to excuse what I did, I would just like to once again point out that this is very difficult on us, and probably always will be.
In Christ,
-Nick
Lucky for me, Bob responded to this email as well, so here is his reply. it’s not too long, but we all know how I love LJ-cuts, so…..
Nick,
Thank you for your humility and for expressing your perspective. I am grateful that you are dialoging about this and believe you have some valid points for Andy to consider. I think this exchange, especially before our meeting on Tuesday is helpful and I trust will result in a better understanding.
If I didn’t make it clear in the e-mail I sent to you, we have in no way accepted your termination of membership, and don’t think it is in your best interest for you to move on to another church in the condition that things are in. Please try to refrain from any decisions in that regard as there’s a lot more resolution that needs to take place before an objective, wise decision can be reached. I also must appeal to you to consider that at times you are sinfully judging Andy in this situation. You don’t know that he was putting on a facade, or that decisions were already made and that he won’t change his mind.
Now I do agree (and I think Andy would) with your statement By not voicing your concerns on our relationship until now, you gave your silent approval that everything was ok. That certainly had a defrauding effect on you for which Andy needs to take responsibility, and for which I am sorry. I know that was and is sorely tempting to you, but Nick, Christian charity demands that you give the benefit of the doubt that Andy was not intending to hurt you or his daughter. He is trying to lead his family in ways that he has neglected in the past, and you seem to be only focused on his mistakes (albeit possibly significant) in attempting to do what he feels is the right thing (which again, admittedly may be too extreme).
But what seems to be missing most from your communication is an understanding that his decision is not based primarily on you and your qualifications or readiness for marriage, but on Rhema. Andy is trying to make the decisions that are best for Rhema and he knows his daughter better than you do. I say that not because she necessarily communicates more with him, but because as her head he is graced by God to protect and lead her. Nick, you don’t appear to be thinking about Andy’s evaluation of Rhema and her readiness. Have you asked Andy questions about what he thinks could be distracting Rhema in your relationship? Have you asked him if there are any ways Rhema looks to you that are inappropriate? Have you asked Andy if he believes Rhema has emotionally given her heart to you? Have you asked Andy what area of Rhema’s relationship with her parents is deficient and needs attention?
Nick, your feelings and perspective are not the only factors in all of this. By nature, you are deceived from seeing all your motives. Please know when I say that, that I believe many of your intentions are very noble and godly. But there are also some attachments you have to Rhema that appear unhealthy. You say that this is not about marriage but friendship, but then you say you are completely in love with your [Andy’s] daughter. Those feelings are not appropriate for a friendship, nor are the fact that she discloses more to you than her parents and the fact that you hold her accountable (those are Andy’s responsibilities and privilege, and it is his fault for allowing you such authority in Rhema’s life). I believe your heart is well meaning in those things, but that doesn’t mean those things aren’t questionable and shouldn’t be challenged.
Nick, I actually believe Andy would strongly consider you as a potential husband for his daughter, but when he wants you to stop communication because it is further along then he realized, because he wants to try to win his daughter’s heart and for other reasons you may not know and you react in sinful anger and serious defiance, you more than anyone should question your readiness and what is really ruling your heart. Your wanting to leave the church, your willingness to defy his authority, your rejection of attempts by me to care for you reveal an obsession with this relationship that has a far greater hold on you than you realize. Please pray about that Nick and open your heart to that possibility so that you can be appropriately adjusted in this situation and can grow in grace and be better positioned to be a husband for the glory of God. There is hope for redemption even in the seriousness of this situation.
I respect you and I am for you Nick.
A Fellow Sinner Saved by Grace,
Bob
So yeah. Now I’m home from work and Jonathan and Jessica made meatballs for dinner. Yummy!
And ofcourse after much thought and prayer I decided to email good ol’ Pastor Bob back.
Bob,
You bring up some valid points. You stated that…
But what seems to be missing most from your communication is an understanding that his decision is not based primarily on you and your qualifications or readiness for marriage, but on Rhema. Andy is trying to make the decisions that are best for Rhema and he knows his daughter better than you do. I say that not because she necessarily communicates more with him, but because as her head he is graced by God to protect and lead her. Nick, you don’t appear to be thinking about Andy’s evaluation of Rhema and her readiness. Have you asked Andy questions about what he thinks could be distracting Rhema in your relationship? Have you asked him if there are any ways Rhema looks to you that are inappropriate? Have you asked Andy if he believes Rhema has emotionally given her heart to you? Have you asked Andy what area of Rhema’s relationship with her parents is deficient and needs attention?
Honestly, I haven’t asked Andy those questions. I didn’t know I needed to, and in all honesty those questions never popped up in my head. The reason why I am so focused on “qualifications and readiness” is because that is the reason that Andy gave me for his answer. I don’t want to say that I would have been so much more willing to accept his decision given answers to questions like those (it’s in the past and I’m still unsure of how I would have reacted) But I still wish that I had thought of those questions to ask him, in order to gain a better insight to this whole situation. (I guess my fault for not thinking of them, huh?) One of my points in the last email was I felt he presented his decision wrong, which turned me off to the entire decision… I am happy that someone is pointing out reasons other than those—in my mind ot makes it just a little more ‘sane’ (No disrespect, mind you) But hey, that’s what the meeting is for, right? To straighten things out and get everyone on the same page?
I am trying not to judge Andy—but I will admit that in the past I have judged him. The email was aimed at letting him know how I felt about the circumstances—I was hoping he would respond and set me straight if I had the wrong idea.
You’re right—my emotional attachments to Rhema are not appropriate for just a friendship—I realized this which was one of the reasons I asked to court her(I felt guilty the times Rhema and I were together because I felt like we were courting without her parents’ approval) I am only now focusing on the ‘friendship’ aspect of it all because I was not expecting him to completely cut Rhema and I off, and I was hoping I could suppress those emotions enough for a friendship to be ‘do-able’. I know it is my emotional attachments in this relationship that are causing me to probably be more stubborn than I should be, which in turn are temping me to sin.
I do try to question my motives for doing things; I know the Bible says the heart is deceptive above all things, and I really do want to gain an understanding into other people’s perspective in this situation. I realize that many times I let emotions guide my life—which is also why recently I’ve made sure to send both you and Andy copies of the emails that I write. I know that you (or Andy) could point out things that were not apparent to me.
About my membership—I will admit that that could also be based on my emotions, but it really is a big fear of mine that my motivations for coming to GCC will change over time. I really love GCC. I have not had too many good experiences with the church as a whole, and I guess I was trying to find a way to make sure that GCC didn’t become something else than it should be for me. Does that make sense? I know I might not be explaining it very well.
Again, I would like to thank you Pastor for ‘putting up’ with my mess, I’m not really used to having Pastors do all that you’ve done so far.
I look forward to our talking on Tuesday (though I’m not sure what else could be said about it all, I almost feel like we’ve talked the situation to death, hahaha)
Sincerely,
-Nick
